A harrowing concept that has been following me in my conscious and unconscious state of sleep is the concept of life and death.
More or less, what is the purpose of someone who has been on this Earth for almost 22 years now?
I will be turning 22 in June and I feel like I haven’t done or seen anything.
Now obviously that’s a ridiculous thing to say because I’m thankful to have seen many countries, have had many experiences, and made the best of friends.
However, the scary thought of not being able to live that life no more enters my mind once in a while.
The way one pictures the after life is very descriptive of their own personality.
Yes, their own beliefs are a major factor in their perception of life after death, but the way that someone looks at their own “heaven” is the ultimate scouting report unto one’s life and previous experiences.
Now obviously no one can enter another humans brain and see what that looks like, we can only sit and self-assess our own worlds.
Mine is simple, whenever I think of Heaven I think of big golden gates on top of clouds. With angels singing beautiful music and pure sunlight shining.
However, there is another side to my thoughts that just makes me want to live in fear.
It makes me want to reconsider all my daily decisions more than once. Sometimes I just wonder if after this life I’ll just wander into space and become nothing.
That’s the one time in my life where I had a true panic attack.
I guess that is the beauty of life though, you just have to leave some things up to trust and faith to be able to keep it moving.
While I sit here and divulge my thoughts on to this screen there is always that one thing that holds me back. This one thing is just fear of death itself.
I haven’t been at my 100% happiness level in a long time, but when I come home from school and hear my mom, dad, and brother just laughing together in unison I swear it comes to at least 99%.
They are one of the main reasons why I want to wake up the next day.
Just being able to hug them brings me some sort of peace in a world where I feel like I’m just stuck in a loop sometimes. The one thought that always makes me stop and just think, is just the thought of losing them.
Without memories and relationships, you can’t be alive. That’s what we are here on Earth to do.
I posted a video on my story last night of someone I saw on TikTok speaking from prison and he said, “the meaning of life is memories, moments, and experiences that when the story of your life is told, it’s worth the read.”
When I first heard that I just laid down on my bed and just thought about my life.
Looked back on some of my biggest/most important moments and I asked myself a simple, yet damning question.
Would I be satisfied with my life if God were to call me home today? The answer is no.
I’ve been blessed with having a lot of beautiful experiences and memories, but I feel as if I’ve only touched the surface.
I feel as if what I have lived is in no comparison to where my subconscious takes me in my dreams.
The mind is a beautiful thing. When it wants something, it doesn’t stray away from outside opinions or even your own thoughts.
It’s going to make itself heard no matter what. So when I go to sleep and dream about being a sports media mogul, I know that’s what I want. And I know that is what I can do.
And that brings this back to the title of this little piece right here. The concept of life and death.
When we are brought into this world the first thing we are surrounded with is nothing but love. From our parents, to our extended family and to friends of our parents who just shower us with love from the first time we meet them.
As we go on in life that perfect little world of ours crumbles with every negative experience. Every experience peels a layer off until one day you’re 80 years old with a whole lot of experiences.
Just as you can be brought into this life quickly, life can be snatched away at any moment. And that is very scary to me.
I know that ultimately God granted me this life and I will wait for Him to call me when it is time.
As I am soon to wander into a new chapter of my life I am comfortable with the people I have decided to surround myself with and I am comfortable with the love that is palpable throughout my friends & family.
I don’t know what I could improve on but I just want to say that no matter what happens in my life, I want to have left a positive impact on people in their everyday lives.
I want people to remember me for being the person that always brought fun and great energy to every room I stepped in.
I know that whatever happens in my next years of life, I’ll go with no regrets.
I keep telling my mom this once phrase, “everything I did and do is for and with a purpose.”
And I live by that.
We move.
– Yanni
P.S.
I wrote this on April 8th, 2021. Over two years later, it still rings true. I wrote five of these “short stories”, and one day I want to put all of them into a book and publish it. I’m not saying I’m a Pulitzer-Prize wining author, I just think it’ll be cool to publish something I thought about at 2 a.m. in my room. I haven’t wrote any of these since last summer, but there’s a reason for that. Every time I wrote one of these, I just let my thoughts spill onto the keyboard. They were never scheduled writing sessions, it just happened. And I think that authenticity is what makes these that much more special to me. So until I get the inspiration to do one again, I’m 100% fine with just leaving it at five stories. This is YSN, until next time, signing out.
